Savvy Entertaining

The madness all started with blue Jell-O.

Well, blue Jell-O with whipped topping mixed in, to be exact.

I saw this photo on Pinterest the other day. Someone wrote a description about how it would be the perfect dessert for an Airplane Party.

Okay. I get their basic thought about the clouds and blue sky, but seriously – what airline do they fly?

My idea of an airplane themed party would go something like this:Instead of invitations, send a boarding pass. Make sure it states the boarding pass must be presented for entry and the gate (door) closes at a very specific time.

The day of your party, guests will arrive to find a large, scary-looking man at the end of your sidewalk demanding they remove their shoes, jewelry, wallets, cell phones, and empty their pockets and purses into plastic buckets, after making sure they have their boarding pass in hand. You can enlist your kids to carry the buckets inside the house and place them randomly in one room. Make sure your kids confiscate all food and beverages. If you want to make the party even more fun, have the kids knock over one or two buckets, ensuring the contents combine.

Once guests have surrendered all their personal belongings, line them up like criminal suspects outside your door where a second large, scary-looking man waves a metal detector over each one to make sure they aren’t fibbing about those empty pockets. He must also ask to see those boarding passes. Should anyone try to sneak through without one, they will be dragged back to their car and ordered to leave immediately. Make this ritual of boarding the plane even more fun by telling the scary man to work at the pace of a snail heavily medicated with sleeping pills. Oh, and you could also turn on the sprinkler by the door to liven things up, should anyone begin to look bored.

If and when the guests make it inside the house and actually find their shoes and valuables, escort them to a room where you have uncomfortable plastic chairs placed in two rows, back to back, not conducive to friendly conversations or idle chit-chat. Let your guests know the party will definitely start on time and to enjoy the wait.

Since you’ve had your kiddos appropriate all snacks and beverages from the guests’ personal belongings, let junior make a few bucks for one of his school projects by offering a handful of prepacked snacks and bottled drinks available for sale at extortionist pricing.

At whatever time you’ve printed on the boarding pass that the gates will close, lock all the doors to your house and close the blinds. If people you invited aren’t already inside, they didn’t really want to come. And the friend banging on the door with some excuse about having a flat-tire – just leave them standing outside, getting soaked by the sprinkler. There is no excuse for being late. Once gate is closed, it is closed.

Every fifteen to twenty minutes, announce to your guests that the party will begin soon, right on time. If anyone complains about the party being late to start, let them know that the gate had to close at least an hour before the party was ever planned to begin.

Once they’ve grown restless and despondent, announce that you are ready to begin seating for the party. Have those surly-faced guys from out front stand at the doorway to your dining room and enforce the seating chart you’ve so carefully arranged. The guests must once again present those boarding passes to be seated.

It is vital to the authenticity of your party to make sure you have at least five more chairs wedged around your dining room table than space could possibly accommodate. If there is any way to make sure at least one tiny person is nearly smothered between two larger people, you earn double hostess points.

As your guests look around the empty table, allow your kids to serve the meal – a choice of packaged peanuts, crackers, and bottled water, juice, or soda in the little 12-ounce sizes. If your guests would like anything resembling a meal or any other type of beverage, they will have to pay accordingly.

At intermittent moments, have your kids walk by with plastic ball bat and hit random guests on the elbow. This make certain they get that whole “seated on the aisle” experience.

After an hour of being trapped at the table, have those big scary guys rock the  chairs the guests are seated in around a bit. You want to give them a little turbulence before the evening is through.

When you announce the party has ended, smile graciously and encourage everyone to come back again soon as they run, not walk, out the door.

Glance out the window and wave as they all stand around, trying to find their car keys. Consider it lost luggage.

Your kids can take out the pile of keys they collected earlier and dump them on the sidewalk. Make sure the scary guys pull your offspring back to safety before the free-for-all begins.

Pat yourself on the back for a great airplane party experience.

***

And that is how I envision an Airplane Party.

She Who Would Never Really Host A Party Like This (or ever, ever recommend it)