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Posts Tagged ‘Blog humor’

 

Tuesday I blogged about a silly gift I put together for my friend’s 40th birthday.

What I didn’t share with you is the trauma I experienced buying the candles for her cake.

It never fails that I will find the one chatty checker at the store. Captain Cavedweller can get in line and no one will say a word to him other than “did you find what you were looking for” and “thanks, have a nice day.”

Me, in the time it takes for the checker to ring up and  bag my purchases, I can know how many kids they have, why their brother is in jail, the last time their car was serviced and how they like their bread toasted.

The day I was buying my BFF’s candles, I stood smiling at the checker who would not stop talking about her washer and dryer, her kids aptitude for creating dirty laundry and why she wished her neighbors would bring back something they borrowed.

Nodding my head, only half-listening, she asked me about some of the gifts I was buying for BFF. I told her my friend was turning 40 and I was putting together a gift for her.

Without missing a beat, she picked up the “40” candles, looked at them, looked at me and asked, “So, are these for your daughter?”

I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped open. It is possible I even swallowed my gum.

I don’t know that I have ever been so insulted.

As in Epic Insult.

Sure I misheard what she asked, I couldn’t quite bring myself to have her repeat it. Apparently, from the time I got out of bed and ran to the store to the time I stood in her check-out line, I’d aged 20 years!

Finally able to speak, I shook my head. “No, they are for my friend.”

“Oh,” the checker said, then went on rambling about something else.

Fuming, I managed to contain my desire to slap some sense into the woman and thanked her as I piled bags in my cart and trudged out the door. I barely arrived home when Captain Cavedweller called to see how my day was going.

He got an ear-full about the checker which made him laugh so hard, I thought he might actually rupture something.

Since that wasn’t bad enough, he proceeded to tell several people at work who also thought it was hilarious.

I’m still living that whole thing down.

And I haven’t been back to the store since, either.

She Who Is Aging Rapidly

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See that cute little girl sneezing with a pile of tissues. If you took out the cute and little girl part and inserted annoyed, chocolate-eating, mid-aged freakazoid, the picture would look exactly like I did last week!

Captain Cavedweller and I went to a book signing the weekend before last. The morning we were ready to leave, I woke up sick. With a cold. No big deal.

Until I woke up really sick the morning of the book signing, five hours from home and on the schedule for an eight-hour event.

Being the great guy that he is, Captain Cavedweller washed his hands 49 times, ran across the street from the hotel to Wally-world and got me a box of tissues and a three month supply of cold medicine.

Doped up, we headed off to the book signing.

The day was somewhat of a blur for me – as is the trip home and most of last week.

But I did learn a few things:

1. When doped up on cold meds, you may be inclined to do things you would not normally do when all your mental faculties are functioning properly.

2. You really can smile until your cheeks hurt.

3. It is nearly impossible for someone prone to sneezing when they are sick to not sneeze.

4. There really is a huge difference in the softness of some tissues.

5. Apparently some illnesses can greatly alter your ability to taste.

6. Saltine crackers left opened in a drawer at the office for goodness only knows how long will taste like varnish when you are in the midst of a wicked cold.

7. The taste of varnished crackers will linger in your mouth for approximately two and a half days, until you burn your taste buds off with a cup of tea that is way too hot.

8. You can really hear yourself think when your ears are so plugged no outside sound will penetrate.

9. After you’ve lost the ability to think, taste and hear, it only stands to reason smell will be next to go.

10. There is nothing pretty about an annoyed, chocolate-eating, mid-aged freakazoid with a bad cold.

She Who is Glad to be On the Mend

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A few weeks ago I blogged about a distracted teen driver running into Captain Cavedweller and smashing our little red pickup.

The insurance company declared it totalled (no surprise) and the other day the salvage company showed up at our house to haul ol’ Red away.

Yes, the pickup was getting old (1992) and yes, it had a ton of miles on it (196,000), but it ran fine, was paid for, and came in handy to have.

The thing that is really getting to me is the loss of something that was really a big, rolling item of great sentimental value.

Fresh out of college, I’d been employed at my first “real” job for about a month when I scraped together enough money for a down payment on a vehicle. My dad went with me to two dealerships and made me do all the talking. I struck a deal with the salesman for a 1992 bright red Chevy S-10. It had all of 148 miles on it when I drove it off the lot.

I loved that little truck. It zipped all over creation and could take a corner on two wheels like nobody’s business (not that I tried that out, or anything). The job I was working then required me to do a lot of driving and I gladly went wherever was necessary, happily driving ol’ Red.

A few months later, I met Captain Cavedweller.

We often drove Red since I didn’t like riding in CC’s car, which was full of disgusting boy stuff like pop cans, burrito wrappers and unidentifiable objects that appeared to be mutating under the back seats.

Red was full of memories of the year we fell in love, reminders of all the places we went and the things we did. Like the three-hour drive we took to a museum when we were both suffering from hay fever and went through an entire box of Kleenex. There was the trip we took to Jackpot that had both our mothers convinced we were eloping (which we weren’t). And I can’t forget the day CC proposed, because I was leaning against the side of ol’ Red when it happened.

Once we wed, we had a lot of adventures in the pickup. At one point in my career, I did a weekly travel page for the newspaper I was working for at the time. CC and I would drive somewhere on his day off in ol’ Red and I’d write about it, take a ton of photos, and we’d enjoy the day together. We saw everything from petroglyphs to a war plane museum,  ghost towns to bustling downtowns.

Thinking back, there are so many memories wrapped up in that old pickup. Like the time it was pouring torrential sheets of rain and CC and I were getting home late from a date night. We’d only been married a few months at the time and lived a few blocks from CC’s mom and dad. Barely able to see out the windshield, somehow we missed the turn and the pickup ended up high-centered on the post of a stop sign. CC, not wanting to ruin his suit jacket, took it off and ran through the freezing rain to our house to call his dad to come help us and ran all the way back. I thought he and his dad would both rupture something before they got the pickup off the post, but they managed and the pickup was no worse for wear.  Although I can’t say the same about my father-in-law who was so nice to get out of his warm bed to rescue his dumb kids who weren’t smart enough to not strand themselves out in the rain on a cold February night.

It’s not the pickup I’m going to miss nearly as much as all the fun times it represents.  All I had to do was look at it to call up warm, wonderful memories.

I’ve still got the memories, even if ol’ Red is no more.

Rest in peace, my faithful friend.

She Who is Way Too Sentimental

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It’s been hot in our little corner of the world the last few days. Mercifully, not as hot as other parts of the country, but plenty toasty just the same.

A few weeks ago when Captain Cavedweller and I went out of town, we decided to stop by a zoo. It was hot that day, too.

As in roasting.

As in sweltering.

As in suck the air from your lungs suffocating.

As in part of me is still melted back by the giraffes and zebras.

Walking around the zoo, hot and dazed by the oppressive humidity, we didn’t see many of the animals. The only ones who seemed to be acting with any degree of normalcy were those in air conditioned buildings like the birds and meerkats above.

(On a side note, the meerkats are industrious and highly entertaining to watch).

We saw the giraffe family, one which seemed to have a tongue at least three feet long as it stretched to get leaves out of the tree.

We saw lions and tiger and bears, oh my. Except the lions and the tigers were hot and panting in the shade. This sloth bear was the only one moving around and he was moving as fast as a… sloth.

These little guys were to hot and pooped to even eat their breakfast. They just hung out by the food, begging for popsicles.

Not really, but if they could ask, I bet they would have.

The striped hyena was showing about as much enthusiasm as I was feeling at the moment. Did I mention it was hot and sultry and miserably warm?

This guy was moving faster than me by the time we got to his display.

The Komodo dragon was outside, sprawled out, panting and cranky (somewhat like I felt by that time). He gave all new meaning to phrase panting like a lizard on a hot rock.

And oddly, I wanted to join him.

She Who Will Not Be Touring Any Zoos During a Heat Wave Again

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